Burlesque Show
Another thing I had forgotten to mention was that I started to take burlesque classes. Well tonight, Friday night is the show. We take our very crudely placed show out on the stage in front of people. They are paying to see us, though honestly, we are not getting paid. Thankfully it's only 10 per person. I tried to sell it to all my friends but quite a few are not showing up.
I noticed during dress rehearsal that I was the only fully clothed not slinky person, but Suri is tall and danceresque so probably easier to make her look sexy without having to try. My self consciousness is fighting every moment but I've taken it upon myself to fight that. I've actually been working with some men that appreciate my aesthetics and sending them sexy and naked photos to try and help get over my hatred of my body.
This backfired. A guy I have really liked for a long time, his mental illness is similar to mine but he was in a manic phase so he acted impulsively and hurt me. Luckily I have shutdown any and all thoughts on how badly that hurt me. Basically doing the thing I wanted and then throwing it out, asking that it never happened. Well, that is my life. Thrown out and asked that is never happened.
On a not so cheerier note, I was in a car accident. Slid into the bad end and caused significant damage to my car. That situation sucked too. But I'm working to get my car back. The rental is so futuristic and weird, but not horrible.
Work is another story. Every night I go in and there's always calls in queue and 90% of the staff is not working. Apparently this is a design by the company. Then for hours into my shift I can be taking calls alone or with one other person still trying to get the calls down. I need a job where I don't have to talk to people. I really need to learn coding or video game design. Ugh!!!
I haven't talked to my ex in a while. I want to but I was hoping he would reach out. Guess he is over me. Oh well to that too. I'm not going to find that person that I love, I think I need to try to free that, let it grieve and get over the fact that maybe one person can't handle me and maybe it's for the best.
I am too much for this world to handle.
I noticed during dress rehearsal that I was the only fully clothed not slinky person, but Suri is tall and danceresque so probably easier to make her look sexy without having to try. My self consciousness is fighting every moment but I've taken it upon myself to fight that. I've actually been working with some men that appreciate my aesthetics and sending them sexy and naked photos to try and help get over my hatred of my body.
This backfired. A guy I have really liked for a long time, his mental illness is similar to mine but he was in a manic phase so he acted impulsively and hurt me. Luckily I have shutdown any and all thoughts on how badly that hurt me. Basically doing the thing I wanted and then throwing it out, asking that it never happened. Well, that is my life. Thrown out and asked that is never happened.
On a not so cheerier note, I was in a car accident. Slid into the bad end and caused significant damage to my car. That situation sucked too. But I'm working to get my car back. The rental is so futuristic and weird, but not horrible.
Work is another story. Every night I go in and there's always calls in queue and 90% of the staff is not working. Apparently this is a design by the company. Then for hours into my shift I can be taking calls alone or with one other person still trying to get the calls down. I need a job where I don't have to talk to people. I really need to learn coding or video game design. Ugh!!!
I haven't talked to my ex in a while. I want to but I was hoping he would reach out. Guess he is over me. Oh well to that too. I'm not going to find that person that I love, I think I need to try to free that, let it grieve and get over the fact that maybe one person can't handle me and maybe it's for the best.
I am too much for this world to handle.
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